The Integrity Gap
The integrity gap is the distance between the standards we've set for ourselves and what we actually live.
You should be upset or feel uneasy when you’re not doing the things that you know in your heart you should be doing. We have a society that doesn’t take responsibility for actions and teaches us that if we fail, it’s okay, it’s not your fault. This mindset is oftentimes in the name of acceptance. And yet, in a society of acceptance, anxiety levels are at epidemic levels. Why, according to the CDC, have depression levels in America grown by 60% in the past decade? Much higher if you include the undiagnosed and people who hide what they are feeling. I believe the biggest contributor to the soaring levels of anxiety and depression are tied to the integrity gap.
The integrity gap exists between the standards we have set for ourselves and what we actually live. Take a look at the standards you’ve set for yourself. How well do you live up to them? Are you holding yourself accountable to those standards? If you are, I would bet that you are a very fulfilled person. If not, I would bet you struggle with stress and anxiety on a regular basis.
Closing the integrity gap relies on how well you can hold yourself accountable and whether you can endure the process of consistently living up to the standards you’ve set for yourself. It requires you to confront the brutal facts and be radically honest with yourself about the areas in your life that are not aligned with who you can become.
Too often we confuse the intentional act of telling a lie with the much broader state of dishonesty. Radical honesty is a commitment to living out your beliefs, holding the standards you’ve set for yourself, and consistently striving to make yourself Fully Available. Anything short is dishonest.
Nice is the Enemy
Nice is a word that drives me absolutely crazy. If I go to my grave and I'm remembered as a "nice person," I would consider my whole life to have been a waste of time. This may sound harsh, but I mean it. Niceness has allowed more people to carry on living immoral, impure, and purposeless lives than any level of hostility. Being nice is the calling card for a culture of acceptance, and it is a direct enemy of emotional accountability. Nice hates being uncomfortable. Nice tells the truth only when it's convenient. Nice avoids hurting feelings simply because, well, it's not nice to hurt feelings.
The problem is that feelings are not always what's most important. If you feel a certain way about something that is completely wrong or immoral, I should feel obligated to challenge that feeling. I challenge it not out of malice, and not necessarily for the pleasure of doing it. But I'm not going to stand by and watch someone I love move in the wrong direction without saying something. Being nice puts up with immorality, impurity, injustice, and things that are just flat out wrong in the name of everyone just getting along, in the name of acceptance.
I don't want to be nice. I want to be kind. Kindness gets its hands dirty when it finds things in the mud. Kindness exists out of a true and unconditional love for the other person. When I'm kind, I can honestly and wholeheartedly look the other person in the eyes and say: "I love you too much to allow you to continue down this path. You may hate me for saying this now, but my hope is that what I'm telling you will bring you closer to the truth." It's uncomfortable to be corrected and to be told something we need to hear at the precise moment we don't want to hear it. But that's kindness.
Beneath the hard shell of kindness is a squishy middle. When you fail and are humiliated, the kind friend is there to lift you up. They know when you need a big hug or to be told how great you are. They don’t do anything because it's what you want at that moment; rather, they do only what you need to be everything that God created you to be.
Kind is honest. Nice is convenient. Be kind, not nice.
