Practice vs. Presence

If my wife were to be hospitalized after an accident, at that moment, the most important things on my calendar wouldn't matter. Personal development wouldn’t matter.  What matters is whether I've built enough capacity, over years of quiet practice, to show up fully for her and my kids when it counts.

I got this wrong for a long time. On my calendar, I schedule two very different kinds of things, but I'd been treating them like the same category.

The first is practice: the workout, the prayer time, the reading, the daily examination of conscience. These are the reps. They're where I'm allowed to struggle and grow, building the discipline and stability I'll need later.

The second is presence: family dinner, a walk with my kids, a hard conversation, a crisis. These aren't training moments. They're spending moments. The work is supposed to already be done.

That's what I was missing for so long: I saw every moment as a training opportunity - as practice. The moments when I was supposed to be present, I was focusing on myself and how I could improve or how I could use this moment as if it was supposed to be productive. 

What I’ve learned through experience is that I don't build patience with my kids in the middle of their meltdown. I either have it or I don’t. I don’t build emotional stability the moment I hear of a family member passing away. I either have it or I don’t. 

So now, everything on my calendar gets one question: is this practice, or is this presence? One builds the capacity. The other spends it. 

Both are critically important, but in moments of presence, I don’t want to be practicing.  I want to have the capacity built so that I can just be. Only then, can I show up fully, when it matters most.